Two years ago, I was going through an intense breakup with a young love. A mutual friend and I were discussing the toxic cycles that were repeating within the relationship and also comparing notes on why the relationship ended.
My friend looked at me and said,
You’re the problem to your cause. - Josh
And I truly believe that I have not been the same since. Whenever I find myself excusing someone's negative behavior, including mine, or repeating unhealthy patterns in my life, this phrase echoes in my head.
When I'm not being delusional and dramatic I'm plotting and planning on my next prospect. I would say victim but I’m the only one that seems to get hurt Some may call me reckless, I’ve even heard sinister But I like the way he calls me trouble It's the most accurate description yet Because I don't want what's ready to be mine, Never been a fan of what I can easily get. They say it's ‘cause I'm incapable of love But that's not it all, more like I chase my hyper fixations, I mean romantic interests Looking for an adrenaline rush because I’m already in love With yearning, no matter who it’s for Always wanting to give someone the world Yet tensing up at the idea of them Knowing they make my heart skip a beat Refusing to let myself even get comfy Because it comes with the self-sabotage First instinct is to abandon them Before they can even think about leaving me Second thoughts keep me unable to remain at peace Third thing that you should know is That my body craves uncertainty The most toxic part of me Desires the thrill of the chase Even as they lay in my arms There's something unobtainable about them Drawing me in and luring me to fall deeper Not into love but obsession Because I want to make them mine But my vulnerability was always going to intervene Leaving me in my head, in pieces A hollow shell of how they found me
October 2023
This episode was very vulnerable for me because it's a clear explanation of my self-sabotaging tendencies that I claim to be working on. I recognize that I have very unhealthy and toxic behaviors and even when I am actively trying to improve myself, these behaviors show up in new, unexpected ways.
I’m constantly finding myself in this cycle of trying to “have” certain people in the capacity I desire and if I can’t do that, I feel inadequate. It’s come to a point where I see people as a prize to win instead of the experience that they are.
In a text message to one of my best friends trying to rationalize my behavior, I said:
It's def about who's gonna cause the most emotional damage as I try to win their affection and care, sometimes even love.
And I say that’s all okay because I’m the only one showing signs of being hurt, which is very unfair of me to assume that no one else is getting hurt in the process.
July 2024
Now I can say that I have made some improvements. I can recognize the patterned thinking and walk away from situations that trigger my self-sabotaging behaviors into full gear so GROWTH. But I’m also not perfect and some situations slip through the cracks, but I promise you I’m trying my best!
With all of this lovely reflection, I will leave you with some prompts to get your creativity juices flowing:
Think about the thrill of the chase in your past experiences. What draws you to it, and what are the consequences of this desire?
Explore your feelings about uncertainty. Why does it appeal to you, and how does it influence your behavior in relationships?
Write about a situation where you felt like you were the only one getting hurt. How did that impact your view of yourself and your relationships?
As always take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!
With love, always
Natasha K
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