Stockholm Syndrome - S2 E27 (Solo)

I have to say that because abuse is a sensitive subject, especially for me. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse:

I sat with this piece for a year. I'm still not ready to put it on the Internet where anyone could see it. But I've never posted for me. I post for the people that feel alone. For everyone fighting silent battles.

And after much contemplation, I decided that it was time. To not only release this from my energy but also let someone, anyone, know they're not alone.

Stockholm Syndrome

I had to fall apart to dig into my deepest memories
Trying to remember the way you treated me
Looking for answers where every outcome does me wrong
Over-trusting you means that my innocence is gone
Under-trusting myself means that my intuition is gone
A hell of a drug to know this is wrong
Having the correct terminology and all, but
My problem is that I see you as a person and not my abuser
That I believe people can change if you allow them to
Except it's been years and the only change is who you screw
Your pattern is unbreakable, withstanding the test of time
Where you try to play victim, switching up on a dime
Using those years of therapy to throw around buzz words
And claiming that you’re healing
While I walk around with the five burn marks you left me
Hoarding the 20 poems that changed my brain chemistry

Rainier Cherries

He was like an intensely sweet Rainier, always giving me a stomachache
Too much sugar, love bombing or whatever
Followed by a somewhat tart and bitter aftertaste
There was a time where I couldn’t get enough
Best from June to July, my time with him was up
Impatiently awaiting the next season where he’s in bloom
Only to learn that my tastebuds changed in his absence
Making everything he says sound disingenuous
Leaving a bad taste in my mouth, reminiscent of sour cherries
And now I can no longer remember why I loved my dear Rainier
Only knowing that’s it’s still golden yellow
Couldn’t even act like I liked it for longer than 5 minutes before it made my stomach turn
Ask me why I like it and I'll stare at you blankly. 
Even the smallest dose of it upsets my tummy but I don't want to let him go. 
Ask me why I like having him around, and I'll say it makes me less lonely. That misery loves company.
Because it was never about his smile, his laugh, those eyes when he talks about his passions. 
Not the kind words he spoke to my soul nor the light kisses he placed on my forehead.
I'll never even mention how much he made me smile and pushed me to be better. 
Only that I placed my happiness in someone that was always around, no matter how destructive keeping them close was.

After recent events where this person contacted me, I felt heavy. My energy was drained and my brain was foggy. I meditated, cried, walked, journaled, prayed. But a sense of numbness lingered beneath my annoyance.

I've struggled considering myself a victim because I always felt like a willing participant in my own harm. I knew the situation was bad and I still stayed. And it wasn't until recently that I realized that was all by design. He exploited my weaknesses to keep me close and codependent.

• Poetry Prompt: Write a poem as a letter from your intuition. What does it say to you now?

• Poetry Prompt: Use a fruit as a metaphor for someone you loved. Sweet, sour, seasonal—how did it embody the relationship?

• Writing Prompt: Write about a relationship through the lens of physical symptoms: sugar rush, stomachache, nausea, insomnia. Let the body tell the emotional story.

• Writing Prompt: Describe an imaginary room that contains everything someone left you with—poems, memories, scars. What do you find inside?

• Journal Prompt: How do you differentiate between real healing and sounding like you're healing?

• Journal Prompt: When was a time you felt like falling apart was the only way through? What did you discover in that breaking?

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As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!

With love, always

Natasha K