This piece is inspired by a book I read called Second Place. The book was so interesting and reminded me of two people I frequently write about.
One being the subject of this poem and how I continued to chase the fantasy to prove something to myself. What that thing was exactly, I’m not quite sure. Yet, I was willing to go to extreme lengths, even losing myself at some point, to achieve this undefined goal.
The second being my first love. He was similar to the husband character in the book. Eerily similar. I chose not to explore that one because it still hurts (two years later).
And so the day has finally come Where I admit I wanted you to break me To kill that version of myself so I could be Forced to deal with all that I deny At first, I wanted to change out of spite Because you spoke so definitely of the routines in my life But I came to understand that this was still deserting myself And having done me wrong enough, I’m taking action to better me Self-reproach, seeing the error in my ways Metanoia, deeply desiring a change My only solution was to hide away And reevaluate self Get a clearer picture of all the damage I dealt Face to face with a disconnected self I had to unlearn the person in the mirror Shielding myself from uncomfortable truths I brought to light the parts of me I despised Previously blind to the beauty others saw I was made to see all that I believed to be hidden Then I found myself in a process of self-destruction Rejecting all I believed to be true Creating my new reality Finetuning my definition of what it means to just be And within my radical self acceptance Did I finally start to see myself And all my features and all my talents Acknowledging the value I hold And when you finally see me again I will still be me but anew Not that I’m waiting on you I’m long past us now Because I know I’d have to be the one to reach out And I progressed past that now!
As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!
With love, always
Natasha K
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