Right Person, Wrong Time

I'm afraid of what I want. I'm afraid of all the love that could be given to me. Of all of the happy experiences I could potentially have. But I know it's unobtainable because I've tried and I've failed. A lot. Too many times to count. Okay, it's been four times. Four rough attempts at being right for each other. Four times I felt I wasn't and couldn't be enough.

You know that saying "you have to survive my seven evil attempts to push you away"? Yeah, I resonate. Because I don't think I'd do anything to change. Even though I keep preaching growth, I'm prone to make the same mistakes. And that's just the worst parts of my brain trying to convince me that I'm not worthy of love, of him.

Why is that when I'm honest with myself about what I want and why I can't have it, that the universe shows me it everywhere? I'm finally starting to accept that he and I can't be together right now and maybe ever again. But hopefully, it's just a right now thing (let me be delusional please). I have plenty of things to work through, shoutout my therapist for making that even more apparent. And I would say the same for him, whether he's aware of that is another issue and quite frankly not my business anymore. But I wish it were. I genuinely miss him.

I cry about him once a week as part of a routine to heal from it.

-get ready for bed

- put my phone on DnD

- lay down

- think about where we went wrong

- cry myself to sleep

- dream of the future we should have had together

And I know all of this sounds cliche and like any heartbreak story ever, but there's a reason they all sound the same. There's truth in the universal pain of losing someone you love. What we don't talk about enough is how this is grief. Losing out on a soulmate because you've simply outgrown each other is a different type of hurt. And maybe in 10 years or probably even five, I'll look back and laugh. Laugh at the quality of men I dated. Laugh at the quality of woman I am (in my defense, I am just a girl).

THE POEM

I fell for your words
The promises, the poeticism
Under your spell
Cast when I least expected it
Disguising affection for love
I can see all eyes on us.
As I laugh like you're the love of my life
Too bad you missed your chance
Trying to decide if I'm the one for you
And to think my biggest fear came true
That we would be star-crossed lovers
Universe always thwarting our plans
Of being with one another
It's just like you said
"It was never the right time"
But if it was real love, we'd set that aside
Build a future together, you and I
Denying myself the pleasure that is him -
We require effort neither of us have -
Daydreams of us tangled in our sheets
Cloud my better judgment of leaving you be
It’s in your best interest to stay away
But it’s my desire to keep close
Don’t be surprised when I get confused
And in the end, I’ll cut you loose
Because my deep-rooted love
Is just a little too much for you.

JOURNAL ENTRY

I recently saw a comment on an Instagram post about how a couple only worked when they were 19. It got me thinking about us and how I don't really think we work outside of being college students. These are our limbo years where we figure ourselves out and then we grow up and get hit with the realities of the world. I don't think we would survive the hardships of being a real couple and adjusting our relationship to our real lives. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I think it's genuinely time for me to let him go. I want to say for now so badly, but if I continue to hold onto the idea that we will get back together, I'll hold myself back from truly connecting with anyone else. So in releasing him, I'm releasing myself from the fear that he and I were only meant to be learning experiences for the time period we were a thing and allow him and myself to be free. I'm also allowing myself to focus on doing the work to be a better partner and person.

THE PROMPTS

1. Unrequited Love: Reflect on a time when you felt deeply for someone, but the timing or circumstances were never quite right. How did you cope with the conflicting emotions of wanting to stay close but knowing it might not be the best choice?

2. The Spell of Words: Write a poem about the intoxicating power of someone’s words and the disillusionment that follows when the reality doesn’t match the promises.

3. Star-Crossed Lovers: Compose a poem that explores the theme of star-crossed lovers, focusing on the idea of love being thwarted by fate or timing. How do the lovers deal with the constant obstacles between them?

4. A Conversation Between Lovers: Write a dialogue between two lovers who are trying to decide whether to stay together or part ways. Let one be indecisive while the other is determined, and explore how their conversation unfolds.

RECOMMENDED MEDIA

Some of my recent reads that inspired this episode:

• Mad by Ne-Yo

As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!

With love, always

Natasha K