In the final episode of 2023, to close out the first season, I reflect on the toxicity of a past relationship one last time.
This piece was me closing the chapter on this partner. I mentally and emotionally cannot afford to give energy into him anymore and I finally decided to cut all ties for good.
My brain is not yet fully developed so forgive me For being overly emotional and attached. It might be dangerous to be your friend, But to be your lover is fatal So here I throw down my heart. Tired of watching you use it as a rug, Running out of energy to resist your torture, Begging for mercy, I plead that you give it back. I didn’t learn that you would take from me in hopes that I break, Until it was far too late because you have this way Of pulling me in with promises and praise Only to cause chaos and destruction, a detriment to my wellbeing. Sometimes I miss when you didn’t love me And the way I pined for your validation, Disregarding all self-respect, I abandoned myself for you And that’s how you got away with it. Dizzy and nauseous at the thought of it, Every conversation with you leaves me feeling sick. My skin crawls remembering your touch and all the atrocities you commit As I watch you smirk in victory, continuing to play with my emotions until you grow bored While I write poems about every red flag that I chose to ignore. My brain is not yet fully developed so forgive me For believing that it was meant to be Blinded by the light I cast, always willing to look past the issues. And maybe you did love me, the way that you claimed, Just not the idea of being with me. And as lovely and delusional as that theory may be, I think you just test to see where I’d draw the line And expect me to forgive nonsense every time. Even when I tried to let you go in peace You made your presence louder, Then apologized, explaining how you’re in the wrong. Scream, beg, and cry for another chance And thus the cycle repeats, And be shocked when it comes with resentment Because my love for you never died Only my respect and my naivety When it comes to making sure the relationship doesn’t die. Too bad it should have been rotting in a grave But we forced ourselves to parade around its corpse. Let it now rest in peace for I have nothing else to say About what used to be you and me.
UPDATE
This was the first piece I ever performed at an open mic! How scary and vulnerable of me. I didn’t plan on reading that night but I was convinced by strangers (peer pressure always gets me in non-dangerous situations). I let one of them pick the piece I was going to read and it just so happened to be this one which was posted earlier that week.
It was terrifying! I knew a single person in the building and the host made a comment about how they didn’t know me. I felt like I was shaking really badly, as I do with all public speaking engagements. But it received a good enough response.
I wouldn’t read it again though. Mostly because I no longer relate but also because it’s so sad to think about the situations I’ve been through. Also that perfectionist in me wants to make the piece better but I must preserve it as is.
As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!
With love, always
Natasha K
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