I really like this poem so I want to release rather than have it collect dust in the vault. This one is part of the Summer 2023 series and is about processing the role I played in my heart’s destruction.
I could have been better at loving you But deep down I knew my efforts were wasted. In between your thoughts of her I had to work for my daily dose of your affection. I talked to only be answered with silence Unless you were spoon-feeding me lies Accompanied by gentle kisses. Always looking me in my eyes To distract from the fatal blow – Honesty harsh like daggers To crush my spirit and soul. Everyone around knew we were not good together Yet I still struggled to take my energy away Teaching myself to tune out when you brought her up And letting you wander in your happy memories Knowing you’ll never care for me the way I do Because I could never compare to her You made it clear that would be aiming for the moon. And mama always said shoot for the stars But she also told me to leave you alone Along with your friends and mine Who knew that your proclaimed love was untrue Deep down, even I knew it too Because every time you kissed me You felt like you were betraying her Refusing to remember that she’s not yours Feeling like you’re betraying yourself A version of you that was once happy Satisfied with the life y’all once dreamed I can’t figure out why I’m so fixated on receiving love From someone who is obsessed with someone else But I guess this one’s on me.
I knew that the situation I was in was bad. Everybody, from my friends to his friends to mutuals that don’t know either of us that well and even our mutual best friend , told me that it would not end well. I watched him crash out about his ex in my backyard. And yet, I found it thrilling!
I stayed like delusional idiot. And I paid the price, mentally, physically, and definitely emotionally. I mean, y’all just heard/read some of what I went through.
As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!
With love, always
Natasha K
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