Butterflies and Delusions

I remember writing the first draft of this in Boston while I sat on the windowsill in his room, watching him do homework. The first stanza was supposed to act as a warning to myself because I know how delusional I can be, the second stanza was me being delusional anyway, and the last stanza served as an example of how I get nervous around someone I created a false reality with.

The revised and now published version was way more intentional and almost loses the raw intensity of the first draft. I combined something else about the same subject and rewrote the rest with the intention of reading it out loud and less like my regular diary entries. It has structure sometimes and veers off from my original idea, but that’s how all of my poems are. They are their own entities outside of me, however you want to interpret that.

THE POEM

Butterflies and delusions
After I said I wouldn't write about you
Yet I catch myself smiling at your messages
Giggling at my phone and sometimes even kicking my feet
As I even found myself in a new city
Cause you said you wanted to see me.
Butterflies and-
Tell me in another lifetime, it's always us
I hate accepting reality for what it is
So I choose to be delusional instead
Cause I look adorable when I’m up to no good
Fantasizing about a future of me and you
Creating my own personal fantasy
One where you'll always be good to me
Go to war for our love, armed like an infantry
But always treating me with kindness
Warm smiles, pretty words, soft touches, and niceness
Butterflies and anxiety settle in my stomach
As I distract my brain from generating more thoughts
In the shape of your name
And while my breath becomes more shallow
I'll bask in the excitement that comes with my dramatics
Because I love to yearn for people
No matter what they offer
My body craves the uncertainty
Of pouring my all into
Someone who isn't sure if they want more
Leaving me hopelessly to create a world where their hand fits perfectly in mine
And I'll write another silly little poem
About how in another reality, I'm theirs.

JOURNAL ENTRY

Looking back on it, I might not be entirely sure where this poem came from. I think maybe a conversation with the muse or a friend. And because of how drastic the rewrite was, I didn’t want to publish this. But that defeats the purpose of it being real and raw. So here’s something that I consider to be unfinished. Not quite a masterpiece. But I know that I have nothing else to add onto it at the moment.

THE PROMPTS

• Write a love letter to someone who will never receive it. What would you want them to know?

• Write about the mix of hope and doubt that comes with loving someone uncertain. How do you manage those feelings?

• Write a poem about creating a fantasy world where love always works out. What does it look and feel like?

• Write a poem that begins with the line, “I catch myself smiling at your messages.” Let it capture the sweet yet fragile feeling of new love.

• What does it mean to “choose to be delusional” in love? Reflect on a time when you let yourself believe in a hopeful outcome. Was it worth it?

RECOMMENDED MEDIA

Some of my recent reads that inspired this episode:

• Power Trip by J. Cole (Feat. Miguel)

• Butterflies by Isaiah Falls (Feat. Joyce Wrice)

As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!

With love, always

Natasha K